i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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