I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think pants incapable of making pants work
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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