i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
