That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
