a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
