peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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