I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
