I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
