im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
