evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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