i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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