Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize