Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
