I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
