Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
