I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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