I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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