I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
