Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
