I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
