i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
