I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
