ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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