At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
