my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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