I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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