its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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