The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
