You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
