It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
