So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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