I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
