im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
