Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
