I wish I could teleport
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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