um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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