I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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