I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
