I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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