even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
