chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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