halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
