i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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