mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
