i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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