so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
