she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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