Just fell off a train. Bad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
