if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
