Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize