We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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