a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
