as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
