I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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