I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
