So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
