i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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