You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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